Why is it so important these days that we don’t hurt anyone’s feelings or offend anyone? Everything is “fair” and everyone gets the same reward regardless of their skills or efforts. We live in such an “everyone gets a trophy” society but is that really reality? We are teaching our kids to be mediocre. There is no point in striving to be the best because your reward will be the same as those who don’t even try. We reset the score board or don’t keep score at all because we don’t want anyone to feel bad. Instead of teaching children that losing is part of life and that they should use that to motivate themselves to improve, we shelter them from it.
How are we doing our kids any justice with this do no harm mentality? In the real world as adults they are going to have their feelings hurt and they are not always going to be treated the same as everyone else. They won’t have the option to opt out at their job or throw a tantrum because they have to do something that they don’t want to do. We are raising spoiled, entitled kids who think that their personal happiness is all that matters in the world. The reality is that sometimes we have to do things that we don’t want to do because it is the right or responsible thing to do. We don’t always get to choose. We also benefit from hard work and standing out from the crowd. There are winners and losers in life and if you want to be a winner then you have to put forth some effort. You won’t get a job promotion by being the slacker who never shows up to work on time or refuses to do whatever your boss asks you to.
Let’s encourage our kids to be proud of the things that they are good at and work hard to improve the things that need improving. Teach them that it is ok to not always be the best at everything, but it is important to always give it your best. It’s great to build our kids up and I’m not saying that we shouldn’t do that, but let’s stop babying them and giving them credit for nothing. If you get second place and there are only two groups, you are last. Bragging that you got second is not an accomplishment. I have been very clear with my children about this over the years. I don’t see the point in making them feel like they won something when they didn’t. I encourage them and remind them that someone always has to lose in a competition and that if they work harder they can take pride in winning when it comes to them. My kids aren’t emotionally destroyed because I have raised them this way. We make a big deal when they earn something, whether it is a high score on a test or a championship in sports. When they lose, we talk about how they can improve and end with a better luck next time attitude. There are definite disappointments at times, but they deal with it and bounce back ready for the next challenge.
We bought my son a cabinet about a year ago to hold his trophies and things that he has gotten over the years. He proudly spent quite some time organizing all of his things on each shelf exactly how he wanted them. When he was done, he wanted me to come take a look at his display. He explained that his top shelf held his first place trophies and things that he knew he had worked hard at. He then pointed to the bottom shelf and said it was his “disappointment shelf”. He said that those were his participation trophies and things that he basically got just because he showed up. I chuckled and so did he, but I was proud of him for knowing the difference. He clearly knew that he had worked harder for the top shelf and was proud of that. He didn’t stand there and cry over the bottom shelf. Side note of humor: I told my husband about it later and he pointed to his not so teenage abs and said he also had a “disappointment shelf”.
The point is that everyone has strengths and weaknesses and why not teach our children to embrace their strengths and learn from their weaknesses. Some of us have no athletic ability but will someday cure a terrible disease. Some of us are great listeners or story tellers and some struggle with social skills. I am amazing at math and have always enjoyed writing while my husband can’t spell to save his life. He can drive a tractor trailer with seventeen axles and weighing hundreds of thousands of pounds with ease though and I can’t back up a lawnmower with a wagon attached. Every one of us have made it to where we are by overcoming some disappointment in our life. Let’s stop coddling the younger generation and instead let’s teach them that sometimes you have to stand on the “disappointment shelf” to reach the accomplishments of the top one:)