9/26/18-This is my very first post so have patience as I get used to getting my thoughts on the page:)
I was asked several times today…”How are you?” My true and desired answer to that should have been, ” I feel like a fresh pile of crap lifted by a tornado and dropped into a burning volcano and you?” Perhaps not an acceptable response and so I give the generic “good” for the 6th time today:/ Do I say good because I think that’s what you want to hear or because I don’t want to burden you with my problems or because I am trying to convince myself that it’s the truth?
Don’t get me wrong here, I am not saying that we shouldn’t offer friendly greetings to each other or ask how another person’s day is going, but I just wish we could do it with a little more authenticity. I get that we all have problems of varying degrees and I certainly don’t need sympathy for mine, but could we all maybe take a little bit of time to try to understand better the people that we care about? Again, I am a headstrong, stubborn person and don’t need sympathy from anyone but I deal with so much frustration while dealing with what each day brings. I have a few serious health conditions for those of you that aren’t aware and the main one I struggle with is called Sjogren’s which is an autoimmune disease. My frustration comes with the lack of knowledge about this disease. I feel ok some days and like death on others and I feel like that makes this hard for people to understand. If I told people that I had cancer, I have no doubt that there would be a great deal of concern because everyone knows what cancer does. Sjogren’s can take my life as well. It (like all autoimmune diseases) means that your own immune system is attacking itself and there is no cure. There are varying degrees to which this occurs depending on the individual and this disease is progressive so in many cases it only gets worse. My disease attacks my salivary glands causing extreme dryness to my eyes and mouth…as well as skin irritations. However, it has also already caused damage to my kidneys and lungs depleting the function of my lungs and causing my kidneys to spill protein and I am at high risk for infections. My joints have been affected and I have inflammatory arthritis from this as well. Because of the pills and home injections that I take to suppress my immune system and try to control the Sjogren’s I am at much higher risk to develop infections and less able to fight general illnesses and my risk to develop lymphoma is increased as well. I am in daily pain and some days struggle just to walk or lift a coffee mug. Some days I struggle to see because of the effect on my eyes.
Again, I am not sharing all of this for sympathy because anyone who knows me, can tell you that I don’t let this stop me from what I feel I need to do. My most important job is being a mom to my kids and I do the best that I can to keep up with that each day. All I wish is that this may make you stop and look at that person in your life that you say hi to each day who looks “fine” and consider what might be behind that mask. Don’t ask how they are as a generic statement but instead because you truly care and could be the shoulder that they need that day. Maybe take the time to educate yourself on something that isn’t in the big picture of society.
The last few years of my life have been a medical roller coaster and and being the control freak that I am, I have had a really hard time conceding to the fact that I am not in control. I have always had a relationship with God and I know that ultimately He is in control, but I’d be lying if I said that I don’t try to convince Him of my plans at times. There are days that all I need is someone to let me vent. I don’t need an answer or someone to tell me it’s going to be ok. I need someone who can assure me that it is ok not to be “good” and to leave control to God. I just need someone that I really feel wants to hear how my day was….and if you want to bring a big vase and a ball bat to assist with my frustrations I’m ok with that too;)
I once overheard an elderly woman in a waiting room complaining about the nurses coming to greet patients and asking how they are. She said we are apparently not good or we would not be here, but that is not the answer they want to hear. They are not asking because they want to know. She said they should just say “It’s nice to see you.” I have thought about that conversation a lot. So many of us do say “How are you?” perhaps because that is the standard greetings we have always been taught to be polite. Some really do care and some maybe not. I am one of those people who really do care, but it is habit to say that even if I sometimes already know they are not doing well. I thought to myself how easy it would be to say “Nice to see you.” It’s just a matter of retraining ourselves to use more than one greeting and teach our children as well!
“Nice to see you” is a great alternative for sure. “How are you” is still nice too. It would just be great if we teach ourselves to say it with some authenticity and only say it when we actually do want to hear the person’s response. I think that some of the problem comes with the bustle of society too. Sometimes we say “How are you” when we genuinely do care, but we are in a rush in passing and don’t really have the time to listen to the response. The feeling of “are you almost done talking” has hit me a few times when responding to that greeting. This has happened with people that I know do care about me and how I am doing but maybe weren’t expecting that so much was actually going on with me that day. They wanted me to know that they cared but didn’t really have time for an update when asking the famous “How are you”. Those days would be perfect for a “Nice to see you”!! Thanks so much for taking the time to share Angela!! It’s always nice to see you!!